I’m going to try this today. The best love affair you can have is with yourself. Today I will be my own best friend and treat myself and do whatever it takes to get myself out of this funk I’ve been in the past two weeks. What I post no matter how funny it sounds does not match with how I feel. I’m not a chemically depressed person I tend to myself depress with my thoughts. Disappointments, failed relationship, back stabbing friends financial ups and downs etc etc take me down. But nothing takes me more down than someone sparking your interest then leave you confused. Your friends say oh move on! Ummm yes so much easier said than done. I dicect and analize everything. What could of went wrong so I know not to do a same mistake again. You can’t get anymore real than me. I’m not one who changes my taste in music according to my surroundings, I’m not one who tries to fit in the square peg to be accepted. I’m not one to be in the cool materialistic click and only shops at Nordstroms. If there is anything to change about me I would say is to stop drowning myself in a cup of water. I make a big deal out of rejection its not something I take lightly and bounce back like Jlo and Kim Kardashian and marry a new guy 3 months later. I cannot operate that way. I secretly live in my worse fear of my mother’s verbal abuse now I cannot blame her for it anymore since I’m older but I must say its done some damage. I don’t think she realizes the impact she’s had on my romantic life. Her schizophrenia and bipolar would make her say some of the worse things a mother could tell her child. Your a slut, no man will ever love you, they will all leave, on one of her manic crazy episodes she got on her knees and cried out to God to curse me that I would never find love and that they all leave me. Well here it is I’m single, the longest relationship I was ever in was with my ex fiance. I would count the days and months and say: “Four months and he hasn’t left..I’m doing good!!! …I have this thing with keeping count on how long they stay. My mom is on some good medication. She is nothing like I remember. In fact she is oblivious to the damage she’s cause caused. She is now the nicest sweetest thing ever, she makes my coffee everyday walks me to my car and stands there staring at me waiting for me to take off work. She took me in when I was nearly homeless, she is now the peace maker in the family. I have to figure out how to rebuild myself when it comes to dating. Its like a chess game one bad move and our done. People drop you for the silliest things for the younger one, the one with more money, the chef, the freakiestt in bed. What happened to I’m going to stay with this girl because she was the ONLY one who stuck with me when I was nothing, had nothing and believed in me when no one else did. This is why I say. I feel safer with a bunch of ganster crips and walking in to a bar alone than to opening up my heart. Relationships are so complexed. I noticed people nowadays take a lot of disrespect from their guy or girl for the sake of not being single. I don’t have it in me to be degragred and disrespect. My mother will one day die not ever knowing the fear she’s placed in me and I will never tell her. I have to put on my cowboy boots and work my issues one scary day at a time. I will force to believe in myself. I can do this.  💕👏😆😜🙏💗👍💪