I’m not scared to drive like the fast and the furious on the Fwy. I’m not scared to walk in a bar and have a drink alone, I not scared to go to the movies alone. I’m not afraid to try, I’m not afraid to go to a club or mall alone, I’m not afraid to have friends from all backgrounds from a 70 year old black woman who use to carry a gun to a white teen emo teen that cuts herself. But the one thing I have grown  is scared  this year is giving my heart away. You see I use to let my heart rule me. ..no more. I use to think: “Give your all!!! Follow your heart..blah blah blah. I wish I had meditate on this scripture that says that the heart is treacherous. Yes indeed it is!! Well for me it is..I don’t know about you. After so many repeated painful lessons I’ve learned to guard my heart even if you make me blush and stutter. You see my analogy on relationships is like playing tennis. You hit the ball and I hit it back…well for example if I did not hear from the guy for a like 3 days or more I would freak and start hitting 3 o 4 balls at at time. I would call, be too available pretty much  make things happen..I felt he needs to know that I like him, how would he know? Well men don’t operate like that. They are natural hunters..if you do anything slightly extra they pull away and run. Of course then you have the married ones who want you just because they can’t have you. But who’s going there. Not me!

I have a mental note of a list of things that my males friends, clients, nail guy have told me through out the years. Did I listen then? No!  I sometimes right em down for quick reminders. These reminders are saving me from pain. I have a high tolerance for physical pain but not pain from of the ❤

Here’s just a short version of the list. Mind you this is from years of conversations that I remember I with guys since high school.

1) I wish I could call a girl and her parents tell me that she’s not home every once in a while. Every time I call my girl she is always home.

2) Chasing men is unatural

3) I cheated on you because you were too easy..(he didn’t mean sex) you were too nice and good to me I got bored. I wanted a challange.

4) We don’t have to talk on the phone everyday

5) Let him come to you. Don’t look for him!

6) Don’t call or text you might scare him away.

7) I know everything about you…I met your family.. There is nothing left for me to know.

8) I did not force you to cosign for me on the SUV..I’m not responsible for anything. You did that cause you wanted too. After he begged me to consign.

9) If you too much interested he’s going to feel that there is something wrong with you.

10) I like her she only calls me once a week she gives me space she’s so cool she’s not sweating me all day.

That is just to name a few. The scary thing is to control my impulse of not texting or calling my crush even though I’m dying. Its only been since Friday since we chatted but that’s a long time for me. See if this was a few years ago. I would if called or texted by yesterday like: “Oh how you, how was your day?

There is some truth to holding back and not being available at all times. You would think that at my ages these dumb games would be over with, but it doesn’t end. You have to keep playing the fiddle to get what you want.

In the meantime I will keep organizing stuff, marketing my work and focusing on my goal of getting of moving out and getting back on my own two feet again. I would like to be married to my crush..but I am NOT going to make things happen like I use too. Been there done that. My focus is to stay focus on my dreams whether Prince charming continues to show interested on me or not.

Wow typing all that felt good. It was like a good therapy session with my former therapist Beverly… I wish I could still afford her. But right now the struggle is real. I need to help my own self. Make better choices and learn from my past. I stupid person is someone who keeps repeating the same things expecting the same results. My stupid follow your heart days are over. Now I’m following my heart and taking my brain with me.

That’s right! Ummm hummm❤